Dreams

For as long as I can remember, significantly before I actually started driving, I've had these endlessly repeated dreams where I'm trying to drive and I end up in the backseat, or in the passenger seat, or the brakes simply will. not. work. And I swerve, and I can't reach, and I do everything right and the car absolutely will not do what I want. Last night I had the second version of those dreams - where I try to punch or hit someone and I can't. My arm feels like it starts out in air, by mid-swing through water, and ends up as though I'm trying to punch through sand. I don't remember whether I'm attacking or defending - I think I've had dreams with both - but I'm just unable to make my way through it. I'm ineffectual. I'm fundamentally unable to function the way normal people do. I had these dreams for YEARS before even beginning to think about them, that feeling of trying to do something but everything turning out wrong, uneven, I'm in the wrong place and the wrong time... nothing about that surprised me.

I realize that other people don't automatically feel like that. That just maybe, the fact that I'm a capable and successful human being should, could, translate into FEELING like a successful and human being, even subconsciously, even in my dreams. That's a completely alien idea to me.

So maybe it's a good first step that I'm recognizing this is odd? That I know consciously it doesn't necessarily have to be like this forever? But how do I defend against my brain and it's dreams?